life, death, love and grief

I know how fortunate I am, that until recently, I've never lost someone I truly loved.  

A couple of weeks ago, my brother passed away. We knew it was coming, but I guess we weren't expecting it to happen so soon? Anyway...I told my fella, "I don't know how this is going to go for me, so I'm sorry in advance if I'm mean to you." He's been pretty wonderful.

I got the news from my sister-in-law about 11:30 at night. In those first couple of hours, I just didn't know what to do with myself! I was so fidgety. I was angry. I was sad. I paced. I cried and cried. 

In the days that followed, I felt all the things.

Physically, sometimes I couldn't catch my breath. Sometimes I felt a physical pain, like a weight on my chest. I'm tired. Sometimes I’m nauseous  

Emotionally, I'm angry that he didn't take better care of himself. I'm angry that he didn't do what the doctors told him to do. He just did whatever he wanted. While that might have been a good way to live in his mind, it sucked for all the people around him, that loved him. Then I think about the things I wish I would have said to him, the last time I saw him. Then, I'm incredibly sad for my mom. I can't imagine what it feels like to lose a child. I'm incredibly sad for my brother's children. They've lost both their parents now. Who is going to love them unconditionally? Who has their back? Then I wonder...I wonder if you know that you're dead. Does something happen in your brain that tells you that? I wonder if he was scared. Did he have regrets? That hurts me, for him, to think that. Then I think, I don't have anybody to say to, 'remember that Christmas when...or remember when we told mom _____ and really did ______?' He use to say frequently, "you know we aren't normal, right?"...because we were so close. He said he didn't know anyone that got along with their sibling(s) like we did. 

I'm still feeling all the things. I cry in my head a lot. Weird. For 30 years, we had a running joke going about cows. I saw this funny little cow thing at Hobby Lobby the other day...I cried in my head.

Mostly now it just feels weird. I wish I could think of a better word or way to say it. But it's just so WEIRD. How can this be? That he's not here anymore? How is that possible? Weird. I guess that's "denial."

Before his health started to fail him, he was one of nicest people I've ever known. Genuinely nice. He thought everyone was interesting in some way and he had meaningful conversations with strangers all the time. He laughed easily. He just wanted to have fun all the time. He was so stubborn! See? now I'm mad at him again! Weird. He loved being a dad. He loved all the commotion. He had a strong work ethic and was a loyal employee. He had fish and a bird for pets when he was young.  He was never really a dog or cat person. He was a skateboarder and had a paper route when he was a little guy. He was a NASCAR fan and an avid Raiders fan! He had stunning blue eyes, which he passed down to one of his daughters and a grandson. He loved having a garden and growing peppers. He really liked spicy food. He liked to cook, from an early age. His favorite movies were comedies. He loved to go fishing and he liked camping out. He was game for anything. I loved that about him. He had SO many friends! He was lucky in that way.

Sigh. I'm sure going to miss him. 

 😥 9/28/1964 - 4/19/2023 💔